Description
I had a client tell me recently that he and his wife never fight. Never have in all their years of marriage.
That’s not a flex. That’s a red flag.
When I hear that, alarm bells go off.
Because if you’re not fighting, that means you’re not being intimate. You’re not close enough or safe enough with each other to actually express how you feel when you disagree.
What you have instead is cooperation without connection.
One person says do it this way and the other just obliges. Not because they agree. But because they’ve stopped believing it’s worth saying anything. They used to push back. They used to share how they felt. It always ended in a fight. So now they just go quiet and comply.
They’re cooperating. But there’s nothing being built between them.
Here’s what I want you to understand.
Fights don’t end marriages. The inability to repair after a fight does.
The fight itself is natural. It’s what you’d expect in any relationship where two people are actually being honest with each other. Disagreeing about the dishwasher or the kids or money or where to move or how often to be intimate, that’s just two people being real.
What matters is what happens after.
Even though we disagree I still love you. I still respect you. I still want to be with you.
That repair is what keeps a fight from becoming a fracture.
When the repair stops happening people stop fighting. But they also stop connecting.
And that’s where marriages quietly die.
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