Description
Once you recognize that you're in this spiral, you CAN get out of it. Here's where to start:
1) Catch it and name it.
The moment you notice you're collecting evidence against him, say out loud: "I'm catastrophizing. This is confirmation bias, not reality."
2) Shrink it to its real size.
This fight, this bad moment — it's 5% of your marriage, NOT the whole thing. Don't let the bad 5% steal all the air from the good 95%.
3) Adopt the identity of a happily married woman.
A woman who KNOWS she has a solid marriage doesn't spiral into "maybe I don't even love him" over one missed hug. She thinks: We're good. This is a bad moment, not a bad marriage.
4) Flip the channel.
Your brain is a radio stuck on a doom station — click it off and tune into a different one. Actively think of something true and good about him. Feed THAT wolf instead.
5) Stop proving he's a loser.
Because if you win that game, well "congratulations".... you're married to a loser — and that's a garbage prize.
6) Act like you're madly in love, and the feeling WILL follow.
Don't wait to feel better before you soften toward him. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around.
Now go practice.
And if you need help flipping the script, Desire Lab is where we actively work on our marriage and bring back the desire. You don't have to figure it all out on your own.
Go to hifam.com/desire to learn more
P.S. If you're in an abusive relationship, I am SO sorry and... this is not for you.