Description
Description:
Looking anxious, a teenage boy leaves the living room while his dad discovers an unopened present amongst wrapping paper beneath the Christmas tree. There's a sticky note on the front with "Dad" written on it and a smiley face.
Dad realises his son's gone, then unwraps the gift - it's a vinyl record! Now, he's carefully lowering the stylus onto it.
NOTE: He doesn't actually see he's gone - his back is turned, but tweaked to acknowledge that he's noticed his departure. There was a reference to the vinyl at the end of the description, so adjusted accordingly.
As the opening bars play, he closes eyes nodding his head to the music...
His son steps down the stairs tentatively, listening...
NOTE: Removed ref to standing straight and mentioned the closed eyes.
Enraptured, Dad sways his head... Suddenly, he's back in 90's and dancing in the middle of a packed nightclub. Coloured light skims across a couple who're chatting by a wall covered with posters advertising early 90s gigs.
NOTE: As requested, added suddenly - there's time for that. I would resist the urge to call it a memory - I think 'back' in the 90s suggests he's returning there and I feel referring to a 'memory' might suggest we're seeing him as a young man. I think the context gives what we need here.
Time slows as Dad frowns with confusion - he's noticed his son is across the room, staring at him. The light pulses... then the crowd vanishes, leaving them alone.
NOTE: As requested - and the tense used here hopefully conveys that we see his reaction to something, then see what he's seeing. Some re-jigging to add the confusion.
His brow moist with perspiration, Dad looks emotional, and nods for his son to come nearer. Light continues to pulse slowly... then a blonde-haired toddler emerges from the shadows and runs up to him...
Dad holds him close. Now his boy is a newborn in his arms... Dad's lip trembles as he looks down at the smiling little bundle. Suddenly, back in the living room in the present, Dad looks moved by his experience.
Seeing his son hovering in the doorway, Dad strides forward and pulls him close, cradling his head as they share a heartfelt hug.
Note: We've time for suddenly, so added it. Added some emotion.
When they part, his son chuckles, looking slightly surprised, then he grins when Dad shows him some of his moves.
Dad playfully pats him on the chest.
If you can't find the words. Find the gift. John Lewis.